‘Something really bad is happening in Ukraine and I feel like I’m going to die’

“Today the commander told us that tomorrow we are going back to the front. I looked at the boys and I saw fear on their faces. There are no clear directions, no organization, no information of any kind. We are terrified. Can I ask you something? That is my mother’s phone number. I didn’t want to worry her. If something happens to me, please talk to her and do everything in your power to have my body buried in Spain with a Spanish flag and a Ukrainian one.”

Victor’s last name is ‘Álvárez’ because he was adopted by Argentines, but he was born in Ukraine and lived in Cantabria when it felt the call of war. Last spring he turned 30. His Ukrainian biological mother was killed during the USSR. and his father hanged himself in front of him when he was six years old. He went out into the street and found his corpse swinging from a tree branch. His adoptive family took him from an orphanage and moved with him, first to Italy and later to Santander, where Victor resided in 2022, when Putin invaded the country of his ancestors.

On September 1, their commander, Názar, received the order to “return to the party.” Next to him was Victor himself and three other old veterans. The rest were recruits with no combat experience. The orders did not specify the destination, so they did not know if they were going to be sent to fight in the Russian territories of Kursk occupied by Ukraine or in Donbas. Hundreds of men are also being deployed in positions located near Chernobyl because the Government of Zelensky There have been fears that the Russians and Belarusians might try again from the north. For some time now, Lukashenko is concentrating troops on the border.

Victor has been fighting since the beginning of the war in elite units that have carried out high-risk missions in the Black Sea, Avdivka, Kharkiv and a dozen other hot spots. But something has changed lately. Now he does not hesitate to confess that disarray is spreading in the Ukrainian ranks as their defensive positions are weakened by the resources they have lost at Kursk.

“I’ve been in worse situations. But I’ve never heard that little voice before that tells you that this may be the last time you’re going to the front line. May God protect us!“. Sitting next to a thousand kilos of clothing, ammunition, weapons and backpacks full of supplies, Victor prepares to talk to us for a long hour about his experiences and his agitated and tense emotions.

Life in the trenches

“A trench is like a sewer. All you have above you are some logs covered with dirt and pine branches,” he says. “I was sent to one from the first day of service. The time one spends in those positions until their replacement arrives is like a trip to the underworld.“You have to pray hard that you don’t get hit by artillery or by all those drones that are roaming around in the sky or that the enemy doesn’t penetrate. If that happens, it’s better to shoot yourself.”

“I once spent a whole week without food or drink because the Kremlin artillery prevented the supply trucks from getting close. Imagine what it’s like to spend weeks without being able to change clothes, without showering, and knowing that you only have six bottles of water available to you, which you have to ration. We lose a lot of weight. Many people get sick. There are frequent cases of trench foot (oedema with suppuration caused by humidity) and mutilations.

“I remember one time, when I returned to base, I had to tear off half the skin on my ankle to get my sock off. I don’t recommend it, brothers. In winter, you also have to fight against twenty degrees below zero. Of course, without a stove, on permanent guard. Your hands freeze when you hold the rifle. And when it rains in spring it is even worse because the water comes in torrents and, with it, tons of a kind of viscous silt. Rats also come and we are invaded by lice and even snakes.. Sometimes replacements are delayed and you start to think that they have forgotten about you. You literally come out upset.”

“Toilet? What toilet? Some people put it inside. We went outside. You have to be careful when moving so as not to move the stones even a centimeter because, otherwise, the toilet will detect it. software of drones. You venture out at night with a shovel: dig, shit and cover the hole. You can’t turn on a light, let alone the radio or the smartphone“You can’t even talk because your whispers can be heard for miles. You even have to worry about your breath.”

“Lighting a cigarette? It’s like saying, ‘I’m here, shoot me. ‘ You become some kind of ghost or a ninja. They hit you with everything they have at their disposal: SU27s (single-seat fighters), MIGs (Soviet Mikoyans), bomber planes, T-90s (tanks), artillery, snipers, and of course drones… They use a lot of kamikazes. They make them out of three bucks and launch them at you with a mortar shell or a grenade.”

“They mine thousands of hectares and use cluster bombs and gas. Many comrades didn’t have time to reach the mask and died of suffocation. It’s a horrible feeling of lack of air. It’s like having a bag over your head. Your skin burns, your eyes water, your lungs burn… I’ll never get used to the damn Iranian Sahed drones. It’s the worst of all. You hear the explosions all around you and you say to yourself: ‘My God, what the hell am I doing here?'” Of course it terrifies me. Nobody gets used to that.. There are panic attacks. More than one freezes and we have to take away the weapon or punch him to wake him up.”

“The food is for cats. Sometimes I would throw it against the wall and it would stick like concrete. We had stomach problems. More than one of us got sick and ended up in the hospital. Even dogs won’t eat that stuff. Of course, in the end we fight between us. Out of tiredness, stress, overwhelm… There are death threats. They put your energy, your endurance, your body to the limit… Mentally, physically… You’d rather do eight hundred push-ups than spend more weeks in there. You go completely crazy. You come out of the hole wanting to punch the commander. Even your companions become your enemies“.

Al frente

“Supuestamente, íbamos a irnos en tres días y esta mañana [1 de septiembre]”We were informed that everything was moving forward. We will leave in a few hours, tomorrow morning,” Victor tells us. “The only thing that has crossed our minds is that they are hiding from us that something really bad is happening. We try to smile so as not to scare the newbies, but I look into the eyes of my companions and I see their fear of not returning. I will not deny that I am very worried. I feel like I have someone stalking me behind my back“.

“There is a lack of equipment, a lack of material, a lack of everything… We don’t even know what we’ve been training for. First, they trained us for assault. Then, to hold defensive positions, and then for urban combat. At first they told us that we were going somewhere, and then they changed their mind. There is a lack of communication and a lack of trust. I haven’t wanted to talk to my family so as not to worry them. If I call them, they’ll ask me when I’m coming back, and I know that we’re probably going to go somewhere from which not all of us will return.”

“What’s eating away at me now is all this chaos. I used to feel like there was a plan and coordination. We don’t want to upset the new guys, but we know that this voice inside all of our heads screaming that something bad is going to happen can’t be ignored. I can hear it now. It says, ‘Wolf, don’t go. ‘ I had a comrade who heard it before he went on a mission. His face changed. He was white. His behavior changed. He said, ‘Wolf, I have something inside me. ‘ We even told him to stay. But he left and was killed in combat. It’s that same voice we hear now.”

“The situation in Donbas is very worrying. If we do not stop them there and they seize Kramatorsk, we will open the gates to the rest of the country for them and they will have an open field. We also know that the Belarusians are massing forces near Chernobyl and some comrades are being sent to the border. We do not know exactly our destination, but we can imagine it. I was looking at the area on a map and I got goosebumps. It is beyond me. Of course I have experience. But what good is all my experience without resources and strategy?“.

“It’s true that the Russians are tired too, but they are advancing every day and slowly encircling the Ukrainians. They are leading us towards certain death. I suppose that occupying Kursk is based on some kind of logic, like exchanging cities, but it is affecting us because all the material and resources they are using there are needed in Donetsk. How many more human lives will have to be sacrificed for them to understand that this war should come to an end? There are too many dead comrades, too many traumas, too many problems.”

“I have been here since the beginning of the war,” says Victor. “I am no longer fighting for my homeland or my country, but for Ukrainian civilians who are not at all to blame for the war that was started by a madman. I am fighting because I want peace.”

“From the bottom of my heart I wish that everyone can once again feel at peace in their homes, that families can once again embrace each other without feeling this threat. Sometimes I walk down the street and people say hello, thank me, or burst into tears. And that’s what keeps me going.. Otherwise, I would have left already. Do you think I haven’t thought about it? I’ve wanted to do it many times because I can’t handle it mentally anymore. I often wake up at night terrified and start screaming and crying… This damn war has changed me completely. I’m not who I was before. And that’s not good, really. Could I refuse to leave tomorrow? I renewed my service, so I would have been imprisoned. That would have been it. I’d end up in prison.”

Contra la guerra

Llegado a este punto, Victor eleva la voz ligeramente. Es extraño porque se expresa siempre de un modo relajado, sin ninguna clase de vehemencia. Es obvio que está ligeramente emocionado. “¡Recemos para que regresemos vivos!”, afirma. “Los cinco veteranos les dijimos a los nuevos que trabajen juntos; que aprendan unos de otros; que se comuniquen; que averigüen hasta el grupo sanguíneo y las alergias de sus compañeros porque es con ellos con quienes van a combatir contra los rusos”.

“No quisimos decirles que hemos soñado con nuestras muertes. Mi compañero vio mi cadáver en un sueño. ¿Es que eso no son señales? Algo va a salir mal. ¡Espero que esto acabe pronto porque ya fue demasiado lejos! ¡Se ha derramado ya demasiada sangre en esta tierra sembrada de cementerios! ¡Las plantas y los árboles se están nutriendo de los cuerpos de nuestros caídos! ¡Cuántos cadáveres más son necesarios para que los gobiernos se sienten a dialogar! ¡Si los occidentales quieren que sigamos con la guerra, que al menos nos envíen más refuerzos y armamento! ¡Si perdemos, se encontrarán toda esta mierda a las puertas de su casa y recordarán entonces a quienes les suplicábamos ayuda! ¡Recordarán a gente que vino aquí a combatir para que no ocurriera como con los nazis! ¡A los que vinieron para frenar el horror de un loco!”.

“O tal vez no. Tal vez nos olviden a todos. ¿Quién se acordará de mí? ¿Un pobre español que fue a luchar a Ucrania? ¿Alguien recuerda a los caídos de la Segunda Guerra Mundial? Nos olvidarán y dejarán que se pudra nuestra memoria. ¿Entiende allí la gente que también nosotros queremos vivir? Nos gustaría casarnos, tener hijos, crear una familia, y no desaparecer en esta puñetera guerra que no soluciona nada. ‘Ah, buen trabajo, amigo. Toma una medallita póstuma’. Eso será todo. Y ni siquiera están recuperando nuestros cuerpos. ‘Ahí van nuestras condolencias’. Esto es todo lo que una madre o un padre recupera de un hijo. Un pésame, un lo siento. Pero nadie resucita a su hijo. ¡Que termine esto de una vez por todas! ¡Ya ha habido suficiente muerte, suficiente terror!”.

“¿Sabes? Yo tengo treinta años y lo he vivido todo”, continúa Víctor, bien entrada la madrugada, cuando solo faltan cinco horas para el toque de diana. “Nunca os hubiera conocido de no ser por mi ángel custodio. Una vez me libró de un tanque. En otra ocasión, de una explosión de artillería que detonó a cinco metros. También interpuso un árbol en el camino de un misil. He vivido tantos momentos terribles que no podéis ni imaginarlo”.

“Recuerdo que los rusos nos emboscaron durante una misión fallida en la que nos detectaron y tuvimos que retroceder de noche mientras nos golpeaban con todo lo que tenían. Hasta ellos asumieron que nos habían matado. Y ahora estoy aquí, hablando con vosotros, y sintiendo que algo va a suceder. Eso que veis ahora junto a mí es mi equipo más básico. Solo el chaleco, más el casco, más la munición, más la mochila de asalto y el armamento pesan unos 180 kilos… Pero el conjunto de todos los pertrechos se acerca a la tonelada. Eso es lo que cada uno de nosotros va a llevar consigo”.

La despedida

A las cinco de la madrugada, hora local ucraniana, del día 2 de septiembre de 2024, Víctor se levantó y reclamó su arma. A las seis de la madrugada, el teniente coronel de su unidad increpó a su unidad para preguntar si alguien tenía miedo, pero nadie alzó la voz para expresar temor o dudas. El vehículo militar de transporte que les llevó hasta el destino final atravesó la región de Járkiv, muy cerca del frente, desde donde les alcanzaba el sonido de explosiones y donde se apreciaban en lontananza las humaredas de la artillería. Toda la zona estaba bajo el fuego ruso. Edificios en llamas, pánico en las calles, gente asustada… Las tropas del Kremlin atacaron ese lunes centros comerciales e incluso orfanatos, pero el convoy militar continuó adelante sin involucrarse para no comprometer la seguridad de la columna.

El objetivo era llegar a su destino, cuya localización precisa no revelaremos, de acuerdo a lo convenido. Asumimos sin temor a equivocarnos que han sido enviados a las proximidades del nudo logístico de Pokrovsk. El resultado de esta guerra pende de un hilo.

El viaje se prolongó durante nueve horas. La primera noche allá la vivieron bajo intensos bombardeos y bajo una copiosa lluvia de esos drones Sahed que tanto teme Víctor. Apenas consiguió conciliar el sueño. Ya el martes, de mañana, las órdenes del oficial al mando fueron claras. Debían reemplazar al contingente de ucranianos que llevaba más de un mes defendiendo a duras penas aquellas posiciones sin que se beneficiasen de una rotación. Muchos de ellos están heridos. La táctica de los militares del Kremlin sobre la zona en disputa donde ha sido desplegado Víctor junto a su comandante Názar y el resto de los camaradas se ha demostrado ya efectiva en otras ocasiones. Rodearlos y barrerlos a placer.

Ahora, además, usan tácticas vietnamitas y cavan túneles bajo sus propios cadáveres que los acercan a las posiciones defensivas ucranianas. Antes de que sean capaces de reaccionar, los tienen ya encima. Han aprendido mucho los del Kremlin desde que empezó el conflicto. Han dispuesto de decenas de miles de cadáveres para ensayar tácticas y estrategias. Al poco de llegar, el español fue ascendido a instructor-sargento y propuesto para una de esas misiones que, en el argot, se denominan ‘suicidas’. Pretendían que fuera con otro veterano y dos nuevos a reconquistar un puesto de observación.